Variations and such

I spent the break away from the computer but continuing to stay away from it is not a new years resolution. It is a new year that is all which means I have a lot to do, yeah. Lets see I left my new journal somewhere which bothers me a lot and I am planning on going to sleep new I feel very tired. I have so much to do. Well really that is all my motivation to write more just left perhaps it will return after I rest and recover from a 24 hour trip

The almost end

I am hoping that by writing I will be inspired to write. What I mean is I will want to write my papers, I have not started on them and I care so little it is hard. But maybe if I just write out what I am feeling and such the motivation will come. I am listening to music( symphony number 77). I like to listen while I write because it often inspires me or motivates me to write more. I feel as though this conduit of creativity is opened to me. I like how they describe a river of insight in Tales from Watership down. The rabbits found it and just lay there receiving beyond their limited lives. Watership down is a book about rabbits if you want to know more you should read it. I do not know if the comparison does justice my afinity to music and the way it moves me but really how can I describe it? How can I put into words an experience ? I could attempt. It is just that when I listen to music and write or paint I feel like I am channeling some deeper expression that is beyond me. In some way what I write or paint becomes one with the music or the music becomes one with what I write or paint. Well so that is that. I am now going to attempt to focus and write. It is not easy I also have a strong desire to go and play on the piano. I love playing it and learning new things it just fills me with passion and exicitement. I have passion for a lot of things which is both good and bad. Bad becomes I think I could get carried away with something. When I was little I remember pretending I was dirrecting an orcestra I would get on the piano and try to imiatate the great artists. I do not know that I was ever successful but the exiciment I felt in listening to music was immense. I think though I really appreicate a variety of creative things, actually I appreciate most all talent. I think that the human mind has endless capacity and that if it was not hindered we could accomplish so much. I think that one though that hinders is the way the school system is set up. My teacher brought up a sad truth today. School is merely a way to give us a basic idea of what is out there the real learning must come on our own in our own study. Part of my began to think well great then school is a waste. So if you already know what you like and are passionate about why go to school? The deeper I delve into the less support I find for it being a useful institition I mean sure it is important for people to be literate I just think they could teach it differently. I will be the first to admit that I am not good at using the Enlgish language. It is dispicable how poorly I use grammar. I think part of the problem is that I do not care but in part I think it is something I will always struggle with. I would like to write books someday but I wonder how that is possible since I cannot even use grammar correctly. Well I am off to try and force myself to do unwanted assignemnts.

somewhere in place

I think that sometimes the most difficult moment to write about something is when you are in the moment. It is when you are experiencing something that emotions get in the way and even cause pain. I am currently dealing with a lot and I do not know how to express it or even deal with it. I just wish a good friend would give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder and that they would listen. I do not cry often but right now I feel I might. I try so hard to be strong and not show my emotion but eventually I can't hold onto it anymore and it comes out. I certainly do no feel myself at this moment. I would write more but considering the whole world might read this I want to be careful. I am sure that it is universal and that many people are experiencing the same feelings I am. Struggles and heartache are not new nor a recent invention. There are many of us that feel alone and forgotten or that fear. Many at time in our nation fear, jobs are being lost and the country is not that stable. It is so easy to blame someone for all of it, to put it on the government, president Bush, the war, other countries, the banks and such. I think in the end we really could go on forever blaming someone for it all. Yet if we stay blaming everyone nothing happens and we cannot sit around waiting for someone to save us. Hard times and economic depression are not new. Maybe it is that we have forgotten our grandfathers and grandmothers who lived through that time. Many of that generation have now passed on and so quickly their stories are forgotten. I think that when such times come to us that the way to make it through is to work together and let the differences disperse. September 11th united us as a nation and I think that if the same thing could happen now it would be so much easier. It so simple and we have so much if we could just learn to cast off our selfishness and reach out those around us I think it would be so much easier. If we could simply seek to prepare ourselves by self reliance and such I believe we would not find ourselves as one of those on the street starving. I think we have forgotten God and our fellowmen. We do not love enough and give enough how then can we expect to be blessed. When we are turning from that very God that created us will he not leave us alone. I really wish that the upcoming events could bring more unity and love to our nation and that fear would not rule the hearts of the people but I only have a small hope it is possible. Yet that hope is there and I feel it is possible that a unity greater than has even been known could come but that would require people to humble themselves and give up selfish desires. How wonderful it would be if the whole world could come together in time of crisis, how beautiful it would be. There are but two ways it will likely go and one is greater unity while the other is increased war and selfishness. That is my opinion on the matter. War and suffering, slavery and hate come out of selfishness and greed I think. If we truly understood how important each person was despite culture, religion or ethnicity I do not think we should be so quick to destroy each other. Just because I do not agree with another persons religion or lifestyle does not mean that I do not love them. I have what I believe and that is precious to me. I will not give it up but I will continue to love. If someone was to fall down into a busy street I would risk my own life to help them. I think war is terrible because it causes us to kill. We kill the enemy but who really is the enemy? My wish is that love can come into the hearts of man and that we can become more united as members of the human race. Charles Dickens-A Christmas Carol exemplifies what we so often do not but what we should do ".....when men and women seem by one consent to open up their shut -up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys." How this statement might apply to all of us at different points. We are all of the human race and yet we act as though we are not. The pursuit of riches, fame and power so often overtake what is important.
I am going to school right now and the main reason I am is not for personal gain, although sadly I must admit money is a a necessity and I must consider, I am going because I hope to make a difference and help the world be a better place. The sad thing is sometimes I am so overwhelmed by looming assignments, tests and such I lose sight of that goal. I sometimes wonder if when I graduate that goal will be completely lost or if I will still remember it.

I realized today that I am not the only one who finds certain classes really hard and certain professors difficult. Apparently some teachers like to make classes torture to attend. I do not really understand this? Why make a class so difficult that very few people enjoy it? I think school should encourage learning beyond what is taught. If I am constantly worried about random quizzes, reading and doing busy work how will I have time to internalize what I am learning.

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I like listening to music that has a unique beauty that goes beyond what is expected of it. A true masterpiece in music to me is one that has reached perfection and become something more powerful than its notes. I think music reaches that only after much work or by the hand of someone who is really gifted. I think writing can be the same way, when an individual masters the written word it becomes something amazing and powerful. I think that is really what life is about perfecting those skills we have and if we are lucky reaching a point in which it transcends all limitations.
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I have learned a lot this week, just in three days. I am glad for the growing experiences. I only hope I can apply what I have learned. Take a deep breath , move forward and somehow get through school. It is almost over for the semester but I have so much to do. Well I guess I should get to it. So I close for today.

The modern day tragedy

In the past years I have witnessed tragic death among friends not a physical death but the untimely expiring of happiness to hated vocations. I have fallen victim to the same tragedy as I look back over my 3 plus years of college I realize that my passion has died and I am faced with a major I care nothing about. How does this happen? Why do we let ourselves walk so blindly forward with some optimistic idea. Oh if I do this I will make money and then I will be happy. Or I should choose this career because it is the safest. I may not like it be I can always have fun hobbies. How we deceive ourselves and walk ignorantly down a path that someone has recommended. I remember talking to the father of a good friend of mine. He goes to a office everyday makes good money with benefits and is able to provide for his family but he is not happy. He said he wanted to be an architect but because of fear of financial stability he forewent it and now works in a office, which he hates. His advice to me was to do what what you love and could see yourself doing everyday. I think we all need to think about that, when someone is passionate about what they do it shows. Those few exceptional teachers I have had in my schooling career shared something in common, they where passionate and I could tell they really loved what they did and understood the subjects. Worse than a teacher with no interest in teaching is one who really knows nothing. I think a really passionate teacher can get you excited about topics that you may not like, at least that is what happened to me. I had a college Algebra teacher who explained mathematics in such a way that I was almost convinced to change my major, students of all types and circumstances could relate to him and learned. I went away from that class not just learning equations but I understood the purpose of mathematics in daily life and beyond that how it explains the varying forms in the universe. Another teacher was so passionate about history and the civil war that when he spoke it brought it to life. I would sit there riveted, listening to him as he explained things. He was convincing in his role and if an actor surely put on a performance that impacted everyone in the room. Although many things came be acted or performed and perhaps people can pretend to like something they do not there is something to be said about sincerity. When someone is sincere and loves what they are doing it shows through and can be contagious. That is why I feel it is so important that we choose something we really enjoy in part for others but mostly for us. We are not all going to be teachers but likely we will all end up doing something whether it is work or a hobby and I think we should enjoy it. Sadly though, I see so many people discontent in their field of work or choice of school major. It is a tragedy to deny what you truly love and let it die, replacing it with some pale comparison. I hope that people will not make the same mistake I have made and find themselves near the end of their college degree unhappy. My first year at BYU I considered changing my major. I was finishing up my first semester and was enrolled in TMA 101( introduction to theater) when I realized just how much I loved theater. I had never considered theater that much and had no experience with it but then I discovered in the class a great passion for it. I felt theater encompassed various forms of creativity including writing, art, and performance. I thought, this an area I could combine the things I enjoy like writing, art etc. I was going to change my major but I let the fear of economic stability and fear of being inadequate prevent me from having the courage to change. I guess what I am saying to you all is .. if you love theater, visual arts, music, astronomy, nursing, mathematics or whatever it may be and feel you can survive the school system go for it. Go for what you love and what you are passionate about. Maybe you won't make tons of money but really what is more important? I do not know about any of you but I would rather do what I love and be happy than do something I do not like and be unhappily rich.

trails

I am making trails that wind among each other so strangely sometimes I do not even get their pattern but I know there must be reason. Reason for the ways in which the paths twist beyond my sight. From where I stand I cannot see their end lost in haze of green and gray shadows. Maybe if I wander a bit on this path in that direction I will see what hides beyond it but no it just keeps going and I must keep on or turn another way. Sometimes I wish I could take a friend with me as I traverse these trails I do not think I can because I made them and maybe it is only I that sees them spread out before me. Maybe each of us are making our own and maybe it is possible they will cross at some moment. I will look up and see the silhouetted figure of another person looking ahead trying to figure out where the path leads or if they should follow or walk another way. Then I will walk forward and they will be startled thinking they were alone and then for that second the left over light shall illuminate their face and I will know them. I will say their name and they will smile. How did you come by this path I will ask and they will answer my walking lead me here. I do not know I just walked and I was just pondering upon the newness of the trail when you came up next to me. How is it that we find ourselves on the same trail? You know it is very rare? Yes I would answer. Shall we then take on this path together? Yes, for now. the my friend will answer with a smile. For now.

of writing down dreams

I think I am going to start writing down every dream I have or more accurately every dream I remember. I will write them down in a little journal and then go back and read them it will be great. Yeah that is what I will do. well I would say more but I do not feel like it so good night.