The almost end

I am hoping that by writing I will be inspired to write. What I mean is I will want to write my papers, I have not started on them and I care so little it is hard. But maybe if I just write out what I am feeling and such the motivation will come. I am listening to music( symphony number 77). I like to listen while I write because it often inspires me or motivates me to write more. I feel as though this conduit of creativity is opened to me. I like how they describe a river of insight in Tales from Watership down. The rabbits found it and just lay there receiving beyond their limited lives. Watership down is a book about rabbits if you want to know more you should read it. I do not know if the comparison does justice my afinity to music and the way it moves me but really how can I describe it? How can I put into words an experience ? I could attempt. It is just that when I listen to music and write or paint I feel like I am channeling some deeper expression that is beyond me. In some way what I write or paint becomes one with the music or the music becomes one with what I write or paint. Well so that is that. I am now going to attempt to focus and write. It is not easy I also have a strong desire to go and play on the piano. I love playing it and learning new things it just fills me with passion and exicitement. I have passion for a lot of things which is both good and bad. Bad becomes I think I could get carried away with something. When I was little I remember pretending I was dirrecting an orcestra I would get on the piano and try to imiatate the great artists. I do not know that I was ever successful but the exiciment I felt in listening to music was immense. I think though I really appreicate a variety of creative things, actually I appreciate most all talent. I think that the human mind has endless capacity and that if it was not hindered we could accomplish so much. I think that one though that hinders is the way the school system is set up. My teacher brought up a sad truth today. School is merely a way to give us a basic idea of what is out there the real learning must come on our own in our own study. Part of my began to think well great then school is a waste. So if you already know what you like and are passionate about why go to school? The deeper I delve into the less support I find for it being a useful institition I mean sure it is important for people to be literate I just think they could teach it differently. I will be the first to admit that I am not good at using the Enlgish language. It is dispicable how poorly I use grammar. I think part of the problem is that I do not care but in part I think it is something I will always struggle with. I would like to write books someday but I wonder how that is possible since I cannot even use grammar correctly. Well I am off to try and force myself to do unwanted assignemnts.

somewhere in place

I think that sometimes the most difficult moment to write about something is when you are in the moment. It is when you are experiencing something that emotions get in the way and even cause pain. I am currently dealing with a lot and I do not know how to express it or even deal with it. I just wish a good friend would give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder and that they would listen. I do not cry often but right now I feel I might. I try so hard to be strong and not show my emotion but eventually I can't hold onto it anymore and it comes out. I certainly do no feel myself at this moment. I would write more but considering the whole world might read this I want to be careful. I am sure that it is universal and that many people are experiencing the same feelings I am. Struggles and heartache are not new nor a recent invention. There are many of us that feel alone and forgotten or that fear. Many at time in our nation fear, jobs are being lost and the country is not that stable. It is so easy to blame someone for all of it, to put it on the government, president Bush, the war, other countries, the banks and such. I think in the end we really could go on forever blaming someone for it all. Yet if we stay blaming everyone nothing happens and we cannot sit around waiting for someone to save us. Hard times and economic depression are not new. Maybe it is that we have forgotten our grandfathers and grandmothers who lived through that time. Many of that generation have now passed on and so quickly their stories are forgotten. I think that when such times come to us that the way to make it through is to work together and let the differences disperse. September 11th united us as a nation and I think that if the same thing could happen now it would be so much easier. It so simple and we have so much if we could just learn to cast off our selfishness and reach out those around us I think it would be so much easier. If we could simply seek to prepare ourselves by self reliance and such I believe we would not find ourselves as one of those on the street starving. I think we have forgotten God and our fellowmen. We do not love enough and give enough how then can we expect to be blessed. When we are turning from that very God that created us will he not leave us alone. I really wish that the upcoming events could bring more unity and love to our nation and that fear would not rule the hearts of the people but I only have a small hope it is possible. Yet that hope is there and I feel it is possible that a unity greater than has even been known could come but that would require people to humble themselves and give up selfish desires. How wonderful it would be if the whole world could come together in time of crisis, how beautiful it would be. There are but two ways it will likely go and one is greater unity while the other is increased war and selfishness. That is my opinion on the matter. War and suffering, slavery and hate come out of selfishness and greed I think. If we truly understood how important each person was despite culture, religion or ethnicity I do not think we should be so quick to destroy each other. Just because I do not agree with another persons religion or lifestyle does not mean that I do not love them. I have what I believe and that is precious to me. I will not give it up but I will continue to love. If someone was to fall down into a busy street I would risk my own life to help them. I think war is terrible because it causes us to kill. We kill the enemy but who really is the enemy? My wish is that love can come into the hearts of man and that we can become more united as members of the human race. Charles Dickens-A Christmas Carol exemplifies what we so often do not but what we should do ".....when men and women seem by one consent to open up their shut -up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys." How this statement might apply to all of us at different points. We are all of the human race and yet we act as though we are not. The pursuit of riches, fame and power so often overtake what is important.
I am going to school right now and the main reason I am is not for personal gain, although sadly I must admit money is a a necessity and I must consider, I am going because I hope to make a difference and help the world be a better place. The sad thing is sometimes I am so overwhelmed by looming assignments, tests and such I lose sight of that goal. I sometimes wonder if when I graduate that goal will be completely lost or if I will still remember it.

I realized today that I am not the only one who finds certain classes really hard and certain professors difficult. Apparently some teachers like to make classes torture to attend. I do not really understand this? Why make a class so difficult that very few people enjoy it? I think school should encourage learning beyond what is taught. If I am constantly worried about random quizzes, reading and doing busy work how will I have time to internalize what I am learning.

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I like listening to music that has a unique beauty that goes beyond what is expected of it. A true masterpiece in music to me is one that has reached perfection and become something more powerful than its notes. I think music reaches that only after much work or by the hand of someone who is really gifted. I think writing can be the same way, when an individual masters the written word it becomes something amazing and powerful. I think that is really what life is about perfecting those skills we have and if we are lucky reaching a point in which it transcends all limitations.
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I have learned a lot this week, just in three days. I am glad for the growing experiences. I only hope I can apply what I have learned. Take a deep breath , move forward and somehow get through school. It is almost over for the semester but I have so much to do. Well I guess I should get to it. So I close for today.

The modern day tragedy

In the past years I have witnessed tragic death among friends not a physical death but the untimely expiring of happiness to hated vocations. I have fallen victim to the same tragedy as I look back over my 3 plus years of college I realize that my passion has died and I am faced with a major I care nothing about. How does this happen? Why do we let ourselves walk so blindly forward with some optimistic idea. Oh if I do this I will make money and then I will be happy. Or I should choose this career because it is the safest. I may not like it be I can always have fun hobbies. How we deceive ourselves and walk ignorantly down a path that someone has recommended. I remember talking to the father of a good friend of mine. He goes to a office everyday makes good money with benefits and is able to provide for his family but he is not happy. He said he wanted to be an architect but because of fear of financial stability he forewent it and now works in a office, which he hates. His advice to me was to do what what you love and could see yourself doing everyday. I think we all need to think about that, when someone is passionate about what they do it shows. Those few exceptional teachers I have had in my schooling career shared something in common, they where passionate and I could tell they really loved what they did and understood the subjects. Worse than a teacher with no interest in teaching is one who really knows nothing. I think a really passionate teacher can get you excited about topics that you may not like, at least that is what happened to me. I had a college Algebra teacher who explained mathematics in such a way that I was almost convinced to change my major, students of all types and circumstances could relate to him and learned. I went away from that class not just learning equations but I understood the purpose of mathematics in daily life and beyond that how it explains the varying forms in the universe. Another teacher was so passionate about history and the civil war that when he spoke it brought it to life. I would sit there riveted, listening to him as he explained things. He was convincing in his role and if an actor surely put on a performance that impacted everyone in the room. Although many things came be acted or performed and perhaps people can pretend to like something they do not there is something to be said about sincerity. When someone is sincere and loves what they are doing it shows through and can be contagious. That is why I feel it is so important that we choose something we really enjoy in part for others but mostly for us. We are not all going to be teachers but likely we will all end up doing something whether it is work or a hobby and I think we should enjoy it. Sadly though, I see so many people discontent in their field of work or choice of school major. It is a tragedy to deny what you truly love and let it die, replacing it with some pale comparison. I hope that people will not make the same mistake I have made and find themselves near the end of their college degree unhappy. My first year at BYU I considered changing my major. I was finishing up my first semester and was enrolled in TMA 101( introduction to theater) when I realized just how much I loved theater. I had never considered theater that much and had no experience with it but then I discovered in the class a great passion for it. I felt theater encompassed various forms of creativity including writing, art, and performance. I thought, this an area I could combine the things I enjoy like writing, art etc. I was going to change my major but I let the fear of economic stability and fear of being inadequate prevent me from having the courage to change. I guess what I am saying to you all is .. if you love theater, visual arts, music, astronomy, nursing, mathematics or whatever it may be and feel you can survive the school system go for it. Go for what you love and what you are passionate about. Maybe you won't make tons of money but really what is more important? I do not know about any of you but I would rather do what I love and be happy than do something I do not like and be unhappily rich.

trails

I am making trails that wind among each other so strangely sometimes I do not even get their pattern but I know there must be reason. Reason for the ways in which the paths twist beyond my sight. From where I stand I cannot see their end lost in haze of green and gray shadows. Maybe if I wander a bit on this path in that direction I will see what hides beyond it but no it just keeps going and I must keep on or turn another way. Sometimes I wish I could take a friend with me as I traverse these trails I do not think I can because I made them and maybe it is only I that sees them spread out before me. Maybe each of us are making our own and maybe it is possible they will cross at some moment. I will look up and see the silhouetted figure of another person looking ahead trying to figure out where the path leads or if they should follow or walk another way. Then I will walk forward and they will be startled thinking they were alone and then for that second the left over light shall illuminate their face and I will know them. I will say their name and they will smile. How did you come by this path I will ask and they will answer my walking lead me here. I do not know I just walked and I was just pondering upon the newness of the trail when you came up next to me. How is it that we find ourselves on the same trail? You know it is very rare? Yes I would answer. Shall we then take on this path together? Yes, for now. the my friend will answer with a smile. For now.

of writing down dreams

I think I am going to start writing down every dream I have or more accurately every dream I remember. I will write them down in a little journal and then go back and read them it will be great. Yeah that is what I will do. well I would say more but I do not feel like it so good night.

Sometimes I smile

Sometimes I smile for no reason. Sometimes I smile because I am remembering a pleasant memory. Sometimes I smile because you smile and I simply cannot help it because your smile lights up your face and you look so beautiful right then. Sometimes I smile because I have the gospel in my life and a loving Heavenly Father.Sometimes I smile because I know it helps other people have a great day. Sometimes I smile because my roommate C is so happy and that causes me to be happy. Sometimes I smile because the Lord has a sense of humor and often chooses to show it to me. Sometimes I smile because love is such a real and wonderful thing. Sometimes I smile because I have the best of friends who care about me and help me out. Sometimes I smile because me roommate B has a lovely accent and is such a happy person. Sometimes I smile because the rain tickles my nose when it falls. Sometimes I smile when I build snow creatures in my friends front yards and see strangers driving by give my creations a second glance. Sometimes I smile because I find something amusing in what I just heard someone say. Sometimes I smile as I watch guys and girls react and interact. Sometimes I smile after a great phone conversation with___. Sometimes I smile when I think of my friends baby twin boys and that I will see them soon. Sometimes I smile when I think that I will have almost an entire week off of school starting this Tuesday. Sometimes I smile when I think of discovering my ancestors and the ancestors of my friends. Sometimes I smile when I think of the summer past and all the fun I had. Sometimes I smile when I realize that the semester is almost over. Sometimes I smile when I think of all the people I love and realize they are being watched over.

upward

I am amazed what great conversation can do to change my mind and give me clarity. Sometimes it is just good to talk and by doing so well find healing and clarity. I still do not understand much of the world..sometimes even myself but things are getting better. Now Beatles lyrics are coming into my head. Now not everyone likes the Beatles but to me the represent some part of growing up. My parents listened to them often and because of that so did I. I was pretty much an avid fan from 6 onward, or at least though high school. I still like them but it is different. Although now and then when I am having a particularly hard day my favorite song " Let it be" comes to mind. It has often been my song of choice through many different events of my life. In those bad days or hard ones I would listen to it. Before I had religion it was my prayer, something in its pleading nature reflected my own feelings. Now being older and having a greater knowledge of those songs and what their meaning really was it is not the same. But every now and then I view them once more as the child I was and see them as they were to me. Their melody plays in my mind and I can only smile sometimes caught up in a past memory a child once more.

A heart?

Many years ago someone borrowed my heart and did not return it. Now I have it back and that makes things very hard I mean I did not expect it to come back. I am not saying a heart is a bad thing, in fact I actually like having one. Maybe it was never gone I just forgot how to use it. I mean I guess I was afraid to let myself care about people because when you do care you risk being hurt. Pain discouragement distrust such things sometimes block out the more important part of the heart. That is the part that experiences love, joy, peace happiness, and trust. I want that part to grow in me and I have faith it can. I am not able to do it on my own but with divine intervention I know I can heal. I care I am starting to care so much and I barely know what to do. if only if only it were so easy to find words. I am glad that my heart is growing again, I just hope it does not grow too late to save.

Another???

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a blog? It must be for me because I do not think anyone reads it and if they did would they really learn something? I would hope learning occurred but there is no guarantee of that besides people have power in deciding what they want to learn. If I choose not to learn I probably will be granted my wish. *sigh* I suppose school is that way. I just have a hard time being motivated if I do not find purpose in what I am studying. I think that what happened to me this semester is I finally had to take classes I really did not want to and also I am somehow failing to comprehend what is being taught.
That is all. I do not feel like writing anymore.
good night

Today is like any other I seek motivation to do schoolwork and I find it hard to want to do it. So much enters my mind, so many unbidden thoughts. I think the best I can do is just try to do the work I need to for school and let it become interesting and worth it. I read the book Night today and I found it hard to read. I think the main reason it was so hard is that I realize my grandmother may have faced very similar things. She never knew what happened to her family. My grandmother is Jewish and was in Dachau work camp. It was not a death camp but still would not have been good conditions. I know so little of her experiences.. sometimes I wish I had taken down her story. I do not want the world to forget. I think people need to remember what happened there. I may only be half Jewish but still it is a part of me and those people are my ancestors.

Finding

I feel asleep this afternoon into a strange dream state. I slept longer than I wanted to and now I am trying to push myself into energy.I still need to figure some things out and heal but it is so hard to heal at times. Part of me doesn't want to but I can't go on not facing it. We all have to face the dark that oblivion that terrifies us. One day we must face it and see it for what it is. Just need motivation that is the problem I have I guess I have to find it. Maybe the key is so simply and it is a matter of looking upward towards a Heavenly place and a Father that knows me better than I know myself. Something inside of me tells me "seek it" look up and you will know. I will have courage I will.

to friends

I look for purpose in the things around me, sometimes objects seem bleak and no reason comes to me. I feel I am simply a solitary figure walking in a land not my own. Sometimes the trees and grass and such seem like mere shadows which I am passing by. There have been moments when I do not seem to fit into it all and others when I feel I have become part of the very landscape. Each of us in a way a part of the landscape, different shapes we form uniquely our own but it is like we are blind and cannot see where our shadow falls. All forms have their place each fit but we are so blind to the pattern. I sometimes wonder what keeps us from seeing it. At times I think I get it then like a wisp of dusty cloud it's gone. So I just stand there gazing on perplexed, perhaps it will come back to me and I will see the inter laying patterns spreading on forever in the vastness of space. I wish I could explain it to myself to you. If only for a moment you could see with my eyes, but alas my wishing will not make that possible. I watch you wade through this life and I fear you feel alone, lost and forgotten. Is that not all of us at different moments? Each of us is seeking some place, some peace in a world the runs around us passing quickly way to quickly. I would say to you hold on and treasure the joys you find. Let them expand inside of you and become a full creation. A lasting one ,until perhaps those right and hopeful things become true forms. I wish I could gather up your sorrows, the pains that remain upon you and cast them upon the winds till they blow forever away. I wish I could you give you the faith I have, a hope in a better place. I wish I could. If I could I would give you this joy I feel so deep down in me. Yet because I cannot, I give you love, not the kind many think of but a pure untainted form, the only gift I know I can give to others. I give it freely for I know it will transcend all things. Although the healing must come from within you, but perhaps love will help in the process. Goodbye for now my friend.

To Overcome it

Captivate, oh world in sense
let not the cut keep me back
free me! Oh I ask, from dark walls
least they hinder me forever,
shutting out bright hours.
Least, I escape never
and my skin bleed showers
of pain and empty gall
no light within the crack
simply blackness that is immense.
Yet in the shadow I find,
I can search for peace of mind.
If I can grasp it with my all
I will be able to find the track
that leads me on past nightfall
to bring bright warm weather
and nectar of meadow flowers
that have melted out of snow.
I no longer see the shadows
even if they follow me ere I go.
by Heather Johnson

visible to me

I only see what I can perceive.
A limitation that hangs on me.
My sight only has far as observation
can reveal a situation
I watch as prey
the movements of the play
subtle language of the crowd
I decipher words spoken aloud
Yet in all the keenness of mind
I cannot yet find
that I really know what they know
or in which direction they will go
I can guess and even surmise
but the truth of human nature is a surprise
even to those who think themselves wise

sleep when needed

once again I feel like my day is a jumbled mess of things and right now I just feel like sleeping. So much goes on during a day that I think we tend to feel that way. You reach a point in which you are so exhausted that your muscles start to relax and lose their strength and the eye lids begin to droop I think I have already reached that point. So I am going to bed good night. Any hour is good for sleep the point is you get sleep

Awkward interactions .. .again

I think pretty much ninty percent of conversation turns awkward. Some of my conversations sound like badly written movie scripts. Some things contribute to the over all awkwardness of a situation or conversation. First time interactions can be some of the moments in which you either suffer embarrassment or get out of it somehow.
Sometimes I feel like a stiff legged stork who has forgotten it can fly. well anyway I want to say more on interactions but I will at another time since I should be getting to sleep

the war of reason and logic vs truth and faith

I must start by explaining that all have different opinons on the subject mater mention in the title. I in no way wish to insult, take away from or chance the persona views of anyone. I am simply expressing myself and my personal belief. Others might share similar perspectives and others not.The views expressed hear on are my own.
Reason, when I think of the word a more scientific term comes to mind perhaps it is that reasoning will often becoming the basis of logical thought. Once will think reason it out in their mind bearing in consideration all the facts and explanations leading up to the possible conclusion. Logic realies on something that can be meaured, explained and proven. It thus becomes limiting or puts limitations everything must be proven. When I think of truth I think of an absolute something that is definate. It is also usually very clear makes sense and actually can be logical. It is more illogical to think of God have no form than it is to think of him having a form. Yet not everyone believes that he exists than is where faith comes in. Without faith nothing is possible. It is a moving power and puts into motion so many things. So much more I would like to say ... lets say I will share more of my thoughts. I ask no one to believe or disbelieve. Each of us are entiled to our own personal beliefs it does not mean we will always agree one with another but we can ve loving and such to those around us. That is my hope to love still those around me and grow

just me

I am really nothing that amazing. Me I tell people ... just me. really I feel pretty dang weak most of the time

changing stages and going back new

Sometimes I feel like my brain is too full and that some adjustments like defragging my hard drive are in order to make it more effective. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a button we could just push that would more effectively organize everything? I need one of those sometimes I think my mind is a hopeless mess. I just feel like I have too many programs running at once. Some people might think it is nice to have an event packed day but I think there is a limit to the amount of stimulation the body and mind can handle. Sometimes the only answer is to sleep on it and try to process all that you have learned from the packed day. Today felt like one of those, it was non stop I did so much and learned so much. I had many conversations and participated in many activities if I am going to keep going on like this I will need a faster processing chip.
I recently returned from a trip to California, the Sacramento area. It was lovely and I had a great time visiting dear friends and new friends. It almost does not seem real to think once more I was in a place where once I was a missionary. So many memories came back, I recalled streets and houses, shops and landmarks. How interesting it is that I can totally forget certain things yet upon returning I remember. I saw parts of old Sacramento which is something I have never done. Such a new adventure is memorable. Walking down old looking streets and seeing many little shops, shops of candy, of chocolate, antiques, cloths and what not got my imagination running. I tried to imagine what it might have been like a hundreds years ago, I mean it would not have had a lot of the shops but many of the buildings are the same. It reminds me of how
in one neighbrhood I lived back in Topeka Kansas, there were several old houses. One was a little yellow house, the people said it was built in 1890 and was a farm house. All the land round about belonged to the people who lived in the house. My brother and me know it is as the house with the secret garden. Like in the book The Secret Garden, it had been neglected for a long time, its garden was not a walled in one like that of the book but it was a garden. On the side of the house were the twisting branches of several apple trees which grew haphazardly after years of neglect. I wondered if it was part of a large orchard that had once extended some distance. there was no way to tell now, just the few trees remained bearing fruit. In the front yard grew two large chestnut trees with the richest fruit. I took a lot of time studying attempting to determine their origin, I thought they were American chestnut or at least a hybrid their leaves and flavor did not match that of the other varieties. As far as it is known all the America chestnut trees were wiped out by a blight. A real live American chestnut would be a find indeed. I never pursued it enough to find out and I pretty sure the trees have been cut back now. I makes me said perhaps because I like the past and think of things gone by. This house reminded me somehow, it was like a piece of the living past solid and visible in front of me. It even had a chicken coop in the backyard. I think the garden the garden is what fascinated me. along the fence ran grape vines that produced small purple grapes and red ones. They were not all that nice to eat but still quite pretty to look at.Then there were the flowers that came up in the spring time, they were a surprise. When walking in the backyard of the house we noticed the small shoots of green. there were daffodils, tulips, and snowdrops and then irises in May. Oh the Irises they were amazing every color and type imaginable and oh how sweet they smelled, like lemon, and orange, grape and peach. My other transplanted some of them into our garden, which is a good thing, the mower man did not know them from weeds. How I loved that garden a garden left to ruin. It was also said that the house was haunted that the old man had died there and still walked the halls and that was why it was empty for so long. They also said that the wife had been a kind women who gave cookies to the children in the neighborhood even after her husband died. Others say that she was a witch and the cookies where poisoned or a way to get the children into the house from where they would not return. Such were the rumors we all heard and shared in our young minds. I tend to believe that the first was right and she was just lonely and enjoyed the visits of the children. Either way the house and its garden draw me still. I have affixed in my mind an image of it one I wish to preserve because in so doing I will capture something of how I was and how it was because I know it will not remain the same but will soon fail, rot or the trees be torn down, but perhaps if with words I can help it to still leave someone else can feel the wonder and magic I felt.

Before I knew

I am tired now. I feel myself in that place between being awake and asleep. It is a strange place to be. I saw the moon path last night. It lit my way it was so bright. I could barely even see the stars, just moon light at the early morning hours still dark. In the mountains all is brighter.
Today marked something important. This day has been firm in my mind I know not why. I hope I may someday find the answer that I may understand what makes this day special. I would write more I mean I would like to but I feel so tired I think I am just going to go to bed so I can awake early and perhaps dream and make sense of all the events of today.

What makes it note worthy

I was thinking today about what makes something note worthy, why and what do we jot down. Is it experiences that shape us or meaningless nothings? Such is the question I present as I think of blogs or journals and all such things. What am I going to put down on paper? Will I even care to read it? Will anyone read it?

world backwards

If I could I would sleep outside away from all the city and its busy life. The moon is almost full tonight and I almost think I can feels its light coming into the window. Small clouds pass over it and light up the rest of the sky. How beautiful it is.

before sleep

In phases have I lived
only to see after
the before I never knew
I see them now
faces only
memorized they are to me
I learn of them
and they of me
that is when I
begin to see
begin to love
begin to care
my heart is open before them
and I fear I cannot close it
before they enter in

Face one

Sometimes I feel am wearing a face one that forms when I awake. I carry it will me the whole day long and sometimes into the night. People see it not knowing that when it finally comes for me to sleep it will finally come off and I will be left with something else. Maybe it is my imagination but do we not all put on something when we walk out the door. It is not aways bad, sometimes it might be a smile we put on even when that is the last thing we feel like doing. People see it thought and have a better day. It is when one puts on a face that makes them feel empty there is a problem. An empty face is soon seen through regardless of the decorations and eventually one has to face who they truly are.