trails

I am making trails that wind among each other so strangely sometimes I do not even get their pattern but I know there must be reason. Reason for the ways in which the paths twist beyond my sight. From where I stand I cannot see their end lost in haze of green and gray shadows. Maybe if I wander a bit on this path in that direction I will see what hides beyond it but no it just keeps going and I must keep on or turn another way. Sometimes I wish I could take a friend with me as I traverse these trails I do not think I can because I made them and maybe it is only I that sees them spread out before me. Maybe each of us are making our own and maybe it is possible they will cross at some moment. I will look up and see the silhouetted figure of another person looking ahead trying to figure out where the path leads or if they should follow or walk another way. Then I will walk forward and they will be startled thinking they were alone and then for that second the left over light shall illuminate their face and I will know them. I will say their name and they will smile. How did you come by this path I will ask and they will answer my walking lead me here. I do not know I just walked and I was just pondering upon the newness of the trail when you came up next to me. How is it that we find ourselves on the same trail? You know it is very rare? Yes I would answer. Shall we then take on this path together? Yes, for now. the my friend will answer with a smile. For now.

of writing down dreams

I think I am going to start writing down every dream I have or more accurately every dream I remember. I will write them down in a little journal and then go back and read them it will be great. Yeah that is what I will do. well I would say more but I do not feel like it so good night.

Sometimes I smile

Sometimes I smile for no reason. Sometimes I smile because I am remembering a pleasant memory. Sometimes I smile because you smile and I simply cannot help it because your smile lights up your face and you look so beautiful right then. Sometimes I smile because I have the gospel in my life and a loving Heavenly Father.Sometimes I smile because I know it helps other people have a great day. Sometimes I smile because my roommate C is so happy and that causes me to be happy. Sometimes I smile because the Lord has a sense of humor and often chooses to show it to me. Sometimes I smile because love is such a real and wonderful thing. Sometimes I smile because I have the best of friends who care about me and help me out. Sometimes I smile because me roommate B has a lovely accent and is such a happy person. Sometimes I smile because the rain tickles my nose when it falls. Sometimes I smile when I build snow creatures in my friends front yards and see strangers driving by give my creations a second glance. Sometimes I smile because I find something amusing in what I just heard someone say. Sometimes I smile as I watch guys and girls react and interact. Sometimes I smile after a great phone conversation with___. Sometimes I smile when I think of my friends baby twin boys and that I will see them soon. Sometimes I smile when I think that I will have almost an entire week off of school starting this Tuesday. Sometimes I smile when I think of discovering my ancestors and the ancestors of my friends. Sometimes I smile when I think of the summer past and all the fun I had. Sometimes I smile when I realize that the semester is almost over. Sometimes I smile when I think of all the people I love and realize they are being watched over.

upward

I am amazed what great conversation can do to change my mind and give me clarity. Sometimes it is just good to talk and by doing so well find healing and clarity. I still do not understand much of the world..sometimes even myself but things are getting better. Now Beatles lyrics are coming into my head. Now not everyone likes the Beatles but to me the represent some part of growing up. My parents listened to them often and because of that so did I. I was pretty much an avid fan from 6 onward, or at least though high school. I still like them but it is different. Although now and then when I am having a particularly hard day my favorite song " Let it be" comes to mind. It has often been my song of choice through many different events of my life. In those bad days or hard ones I would listen to it. Before I had religion it was my prayer, something in its pleading nature reflected my own feelings. Now being older and having a greater knowledge of those songs and what their meaning really was it is not the same. But every now and then I view them once more as the child I was and see them as they were to me. Their melody plays in my mind and I can only smile sometimes caught up in a past memory a child once more.

A heart?

Many years ago someone borrowed my heart and did not return it. Now I have it back and that makes things very hard I mean I did not expect it to come back. I am not saying a heart is a bad thing, in fact I actually like having one. Maybe it was never gone I just forgot how to use it. I mean I guess I was afraid to let myself care about people because when you do care you risk being hurt. Pain discouragement distrust such things sometimes block out the more important part of the heart. That is the part that experiences love, joy, peace happiness, and trust. I want that part to grow in me and I have faith it can. I am not able to do it on my own but with divine intervention I know I can heal. I care I am starting to care so much and I barely know what to do. if only if only it were so easy to find words. I am glad that my heart is growing again, I just hope it does not grow too late to save.

Another???

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a blog? It must be for me because I do not think anyone reads it and if they did would they really learn something? I would hope learning occurred but there is no guarantee of that besides people have power in deciding what they want to learn. If I choose not to learn I probably will be granted my wish. *sigh* I suppose school is that way. I just have a hard time being motivated if I do not find purpose in what I am studying. I think that what happened to me this semester is I finally had to take classes I really did not want to and also I am somehow failing to comprehend what is being taught.
That is all. I do not feel like writing anymore.
good night

Today is like any other I seek motivation to do schoolwork and I find it hard to want to do it. So much enters my mind, so many unbidden thoughts. I think the best I can do is just try to do the work I need to for school and let it become interesting and worth it. I read the book Night today and I found it hard to read. I think the main reason it was so hard is that I realize my grandmother may have faced very similar things. She never knew what happened to her family. My grandmother is Jewish and was in Dachau work camp. It was not a death camp but still would not have been good conditions. I know so little of her experiences.. sometimes I wish I had taken down her story. I do not want the world to forget. I think people need to remember what happened there. I may only be half Jewish but still it is a part of me and those people are my ancestors.

Finding

I feel asleep this afternoon into a strange dream state. I slept longer than I wanted to and now I am trying to push myself into energy.I still need to figure some things out and heal but it is so hard to heal at times. Part of me doesn't want to but I can't go on not facing it. We all have to face the dark that oblivion that terrifies us. One day we must face it and see it for what it is. Just need motivation that is the problem I have I guess I have to find it. Maybe the key is so simply and it is a matter of looking upward towards a Heavenly place and a Father that knows me better than I know myself. Something inside of me tells me "seek it" look up and you will know. I will have courage I will.

to friends

I look for purpose in the things around me, sometimes objects seem bleak and no reason comes to me. I feel I am simply a solitary figure walking in a land not my own. Sometimes the trees and grass and such seem like mere shadows which I am passing by. There have been moments when I do not seem to fit into it all and others when I feel I have become part of the very landscape. Each of us in a way a part of the landscape, different shapes we form uniquely our own but it is like we are blind and cannot see where our shadow falls. All forms have their place each fit but we are so blind to the pattern. I sometimes wonder what keeps us from seeing it. At times I think I get it then like a wisp of dusty cloud it's gone. So I just stand there gazing on perplexed, perhaps it will come back to me and I will see the inter laying patterns spreading on forever in the vastness of space. I wish I could explain it to myself to you. If only for a moment you could see with my eyes, but alas my wishing will not make that possible. I watch you wade through this life and I fear you feel alone, lost and forgotten. Is that not all of us at different moments? Each of us is seeking some place, some peace in a world the runs around us passing quickly way to quickly. I would say to you hold on and treasure the joys you find. Let them expand inside of you and become a full creation. A lasting one ,until perhaps those right and hopeful things become true forms. I wish I could gather up your sorrows, the pains that remain upon you and cast them upon the winds till they blow forever away. I wish I could you give you the faith I have, a hope in a better place. I wish I could. If I could I would give you this joy I feel so deep down in me. Yet because I cannot, I give you love, not the kind many think of but a pure untainted form, the only gift I know I can give to others. I give it freely for I know it will transcend all things. Although the healing must come from within you, but perhaps love will help in the process. Goodbye for now my friend.