A variety of happenings

Today I went into Borders, the bookstore that is closing. I have to admit that it was pretty bleak looking,seeing all those empty shelves. I am a lover of books and so for me there is something forlorn about seeing a bookstore emptying out. A part of me knows that all those books are going to new places.. perhaps to someones bookshelf. That is the optimistic me.. the other me thinks that someone is buying them only to turn around and sell them at extremely high prices to people who do not know any better. Either way one more bookstore is gone. Yet I will still love the feeling of going into a bookstore(little sad that my options are decreasing) and looking at all the bright new books. I love that feeling and I think I could spend hours just looking at interesting books or sitting observing the happenings around me. It may be that the internet will replace bookstores if that should happen I will be very sad. There is just something neat about looking at books in a bookstore. I feel like I get to know the books there and it is nice to be able to just sit around and read or sit at a table and browse the internet. For me it is the atmosphere and it really gets my creative juices active. 

 

While looking through the slim supply of books at Borders I opened one that was some kind index of dreams. I thought hmm I wonder what it has to say about the image I had in my dream. You see I had this really odd dream(well all my dreams are strange) but I remember that there were crows in it. It said something about how it could represent my darker side or could symbolize escape and tenacity. I found it amusing at the least. You see I actually turned into a crow to help save my friends and family and gathered a whole bunch of other crows  to help in the fight. The dream book was not forthcoming with an answer. Here is my answer. I am often awakened by 5 or more crows. In Star Trek: The Next Generation there is an episode in which Data dreams he dreams of  crow/raven and he becomes the bird. A book I have read before and recently listened to on CD(called The Pyrdain chronicles) has a crow by the name of Caw, he gathers other crows together to help defend friends.  My conclusion is that the recent infusion of crow type stuff allowed me to use a crow in my dream.There is really only one good interpreter of my dreams and that is me. I still plan on making books out of some of my dreams due to their deep creative nature and potential.  

Tomorrow I get to sing in the choir for Stake Conference. I am pretty excited about this despite feeling a little unprepared.  I have been taking the advice of the choir director and taking time to know  the words and understand them. It is amazing how powerful the message is in the two songs we are going to sing. I just hope that the message can be conveyed as we sing. 

Tasty summer soup

Today I enjoyed a favorite recipe of mine http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Zucchini-Cucumber-Soup-235460. I did modify it extensively. I find it to be rather bland when the recipe is followed exactly. I did not measure the ingredients either but I reached what I considered a good balance between the two main vegetables. I did add about the same amount of onion they suggested.  I blended those together with a little bit of fresh New Mexican green chili but still it was not spicy how I liked. So I added  some red pepper flakes and a little bit of  Red pepper powder. I also added two cloves fresh crushed garlic. I did not add as much vinegar as they call for at all but just enough to give it a slight tang. Then I added black pepper and salt but still it did not seem right so I added more Coriander powder(ended up being double the amount they call for). I did not have any creme frache so I just added some Darigold sour cream. http://consumer.darigold.com/All-Natural-Sour-Cream.html. I put the link because it is a certain variety and other varieties will not work if you wish to attempt this tasty summer soup. Greek style yogurt can also work or anything dairy with a mild flavor.  

All I can say is that this soup turned out amazing. It had a nice spice to it and is just perfect for a summer day. 

So if you have an abundance of Zucchinis and Cucumbers in your garden I would try this out(granted you like the two at all). A nice advantage to this soup is it is not cooked and just takes a blender to prepare.  A good night to you and good eats. 

Greetings once more

I decided to make another attempt to write in this blog.  I will keep this one so long as Google does not drive me crazy. If they continue to do updates and changes that make it near impossible to get into my blog I may have to change.

My hope is that through future entries you might learn a little more about me and perhaps be entertained.  My entries prior to this have had less to do with everyday life and more to do with the strange things that enter my head while I am dreaming. As interesting as it might be to post about my dreams everyday..it might also be a bit disturbing since what people dream about is often...well bordering on neurotic. I would much rather save my strange dream sequences for novels or short stories.. since they fit better there.
I am hoping that as I get back into writing my posts shall improve. For the meantime you might have to tolerate slightly less grammatically polished posts.

Zopf -Swiss Twist bread

The plan bread form( this recipe calls for all white flour)

Zopf-Sunday bread

3 2/3 cups flour( 2 cups whole wheat 1 2/3 cups unbleached white flour)
1 1/2 cups milk( 2% or Whole)
1 stick butter
1 -2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon salt
2 1/4 teaspoons active dry yeast

Do not preheat the oven!

mix flour and salt. heat 3/4 cup of the milk in microwave until warm enjoy to react with yeast properly. mix warm milk, sugar and yeast let stand.melt butter in microwave( you can use the same container you used to heat the milk, A glass measuring cup is best since you can heat the milk in it and then melt the butter). Make a hole in the flour, pour yeast mixture in add butter. measure out 1/2 more of milk and add it to mixture. add one egg white( separate the yolk and set aside in a little bowl for the glaze later). Mix all ingredients well and begin to knead until all flour is mixed into dough knead for about five minutes until it is no longer sticky( should be a pretty moist dough not too dry). Round dough into a ball and place in a large mixing bowl cover with a cloth and let rise until double. Punch down and separate into two parts. divide again so you have four equal pieces of dough or if you want a larger loaf just leave it as two pieces.Stretch or role dough pieces into long ropes (this is best done pressing it with your hands as you stretch it out) it does not need to be any particular length the thicker the ropes the thicker the bread. The pieces of dough should be the same length. Take two ropes of dough lay them across each other so they make an X( If one seems slightly larger I try to lay that one down first).(see explanation below)
After dough is braided coat with egg yolk be sure to get in the cracks of the braid. Put finished bread onto a cookie sheet ( will increase about double so make sure there is enough room. A normal cookie sheet can easily fit two loaves) .Place place the bread into a cold oven and turn on oven to 350. Bake for about 45 minutes or until glaze is dark golden brown and loaf sounds hollow. It might be closer to 50 min but not over that until making an extra large loaf.

this and such

I am not sure if I have entirely mastered the purpose of a blog. I do write in it and often share some very random stuff but I always go about in a wary manner. I have some secret fear that someone will find my work original and use it for themselves that is why probably the most rich or creative of my writings remain in my mind. I sometimes share them with other people in a oral version but that is the extent of it. I love being creative it does not matter all that much how but as long as I am using it. I feel like I have this large orb of creativity and passion hidden away next to my heart. I say near my heart because I cannot determine the exact location only that it is in there somewhere and feels as intense as an explosion right before its climax. It has to come out somehow or I risk an eruption. Sometimes it comes out in writing, other times drawing, painting, ceramics, language studies, cooking, family history, chemistry, or solving problems. I like mysteries I like puzzles. So there it is this intense passion of creativity inside of me. I do not know completely its origin but it is always there. I guess it is really a matter of using that creativity although I cannot understand that anyone possessing such a gift could manange to go without using it. Wouldn't they die inside somehow due to giving it up?

great homemade pizza

I decided to share some recipes on my blog.Why not I think. Perhaps you shall like them. If you try them out let me know post a comment.

So I stumbled across a great recipe for whole wheat crust I would suggest using hard red winter wheat flour. I prefer the Montana Wheat brand. They have a website. I found their product first in the local grocery store. Hands down it is the best whole wheat I have ever tasted. I bought another brand and it turned out really sticky. This flour is not sticky at all be makes a fluffy light loaf of bread and a flavorful pizza crust. Some whole wheat I have tried has a green smell to it. This does not at all. I think the pizza crust recipe I am sharing will still turn out good with other whole wheat brands.
This recipe takes a lot less time perhaps 20 mins to make and pre-bake the crust

This is for a 9 x 14 cookie tray size pizza- It is for a thin crust
for larger pizzas simply double or triple until appropriate size


2/3 cup whole wheat flour
1/4 to 1/8 teaspoon baking soda
two squirts of honey (1-1.5 tablespoons)
abt 2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon sweet basil


mix flour basil, baking soda and salt well
add honey and oil mix while adding water until you get a moist dough not too wet but not dry it should be a little sticky.
roll out dough on floured surface and with floured rolling pen.
roll out very thin like the consistency of a tortilla or those nice healthy vegetable wraps you buy in the store.

place in a the oiled and floured pan. press until it covers entire baking pan. if extra dough falls over the edges cut with a butter knife and cover spots the dough does not fill the whole sheet
take a fork and make holes over the entire surface of the crust.
bake in a preheated oven at 400 for five minutes.

pull out pizza crust and put on sauce and toppings and cheese bake for 15-20 mins or until crust is crispy brown and cheese is baked. Note the more toppings the closer to 20 mins it will be less toppings and meats only take 15. Basically just keep an eye on it
NOTE : REMEMBER TO COOK ALL MEATS PRIOR TO BAKING!!

Healthy sausage pizza
put a thin layer of pasta sauce onto the pizza crust or more if you are a sauce person but not too much to prevent sogginess. sprinkle with with gradulated or powered garlic and a touch of grated parminsian cheeese. The spread with cooked sasuage ..(see below). Then add grated cheese mixed with sweet basil.. just a touch. colby jack works well. I added a little bit of swiss to it though and grated parmisian.

two Italian sausage turkey links ( uncooked kind).
If you cook it prior to making the pizza crust it saves time
defrost sausage in microwave for a few minutes until you can peel off the coating that holds the sausage together in a link. crumble into a same frying pan cook until cooked completely through. make sure it to break it into small pieces as you cook it. drain off extra oil if desired.

put back in to a 400 degree over cook for 15 min middle cooking rack best for cooking for a longer cook time put the cooking rack higher than the middle.

Veggie Pizza

Mix cut red, yellow or green peppers, mushrooms, onions and freshly cut parsley with a dash of olive oil so they are lightly coated.

put thin layer of pasta sauce on pizza sprinkle and garlic powder to preference
cut fresh tomatoes in thin layers and place on bottom of the crust. sprinkle sweet basil over it all.
add the vegetables and then cover with cheese to your liking. It can work with Monterey Jack , Mozzarella, and Parisian or all of those together. I used Monterey Jack because that is what I had.
Well I will keep you posted on my pizza ideas. I hope they turn out as amazing for you as they did for me.

mansion house

I awoke this morning with the remnants of a strange dream in my head. I was visiting my family but now they lived in a large house and wanted for nothing. I was only there for a short visit I think but my mother approached me and asked if I want to help out with a trip to the ocean at first I thought she meant the east coast but no she said it was a spot up near Canada. TheI began to walk and explore the house. It had various bedrooms and then I started finding the dinning halls. They where everywhere large kitchens sometimes apart and sometimes attached. The tables where decorated in splendor with all the finery one could image with large crystal chandeliers. There were bathrooms too some with looked like ones for the public and in the halls I passed people with visitor passes in small or large groups. There were people leading something like a tour and people of the household doing errands. I was lost in the large maze of rooms they just did not end at all so I asked a guard fellow and he explained how to get back to the part of the house I was seeking. I went into a larger room and at the far end people dressed finely where eating a meal it was closely connected to a large living room with a Christmas tree and fireplace. Children of various ages where running around.I tried to calm them because of the guests. It seemed there must be various families not just one in the big mansion house. The outside of the house had brick driveways and many garrages. Now either before or atfter my dream switched to where I was putting on a movie for a bunch of children I was babysiting or something it was a strange movie a musical mix. The girl in the story lived in our time and such but is awakened by people dancing and having fun. She goes out to join them but has two sisters that follow out of jelously or couriousity. Then it switches back and forth to showing the whole group in modern cloths to showing them in more brightly colored dress from the past. When she is in the past part she meets a prince but he is only in the past. He speaks to her in love type terms and so they sing a song. It is very playful though and constanltly switching back between the times. It has a jovial feel and even the sisters are not that mean. It is very obivous that is it a play yet at the same time sort of real. Not much happens and it continues like that.
So there you have it probably one of the first times I have posted one of my dreams online at anytime. haha. Well I am out of here.

Variations and such

I spent the break away from the computer but continuing to stay away from it is not a new years resolution. It is a new year that is all which means I have a lot to do, yeah. Lets see I left my new journal somewhere which bothers me a lot and I am planning on going to sleep new I feel very tired. I have so much to do. Well really that is all my motivation to write more just left perhaps it will return after I rest and recover from a 24 hour trip

The almost end

I am hoping that by writing I will be inspired to write. What I mean is I will want to write my papers, I have not started on them and I care so little it is hard. But maybe if I just write out what I am feeling and such the motivation will come. I am listening to music( symphony number 77). I like to listen while I write because it often inspires me or motivates me to write more. I feel as though this conduit of creativity is opened to me. I like how they describe a river of insight in Tales from Watership down. The rabbits found it and just lay there receiving beyond their limited lives. Watership down is a book about rabbits if you want to know more you should read it. I do not know if the comparison does justice my afinity to music and the way it moves me but really how can I describe it? How can I put into words an experience ? I could attempt. It is just that when I listen to music and write or paint I feel like I am channeling some deeper expression that is beyond me. In some way what I write or paint becomes one with the music or the music becomes one with what I write or paint. Well so that is that. I am now going to attempt to focus and write. It is not easy I also have a strong desire to go and play on the piano. I love playing it and learning new things it just fills me with passion and exicitement. I have passion for a lot of things which is both good and bad. Bad becomes I think I could get carried away with something. When I was little I remember pretending I was dirrecting an orcestra I would get on the piano and try to imiatate the great artists. I do not know that I was ever successful but the exiciment I felt in listening to music was immense. I think though I really appreicate a variety of creative things, actually I appreciate most all talent. I think that the human mind has endless capacity and that if it was not hindered we could accomplish so much. I think that one though that hinders is the way the school system is set up. My teacher brought up a sad truth today. School is merely a way to give us a basic idea of what is out there the real learning must come on our own in our own study. Part of my began to think well great then school is a waste. So if you already know what you like and are passionate about why go to school? The deeper I delve into the less support I find for it being a useful institition I mean sure it is important for people to be literate I just think they could teach it differently. I will be the first to admit that I am not good at using the Enlgish language. It is dispicable how poorly I use grammar. I think part of the problem is that I do not care but in part I think it is something I will always struggle with. I would like to write books someday but I wonder how that is possible since I cannot even use grammar correctly. Well I am off to try and force myself to do unwanted assignemnts.

somewhere in place

I think that sometimes the most difficult moment to write about something is when you are in the moment. It is when you are experiencing something that emotions get in the way and even cause pain. I am currently dealing with a lot and I do not know how to express it or even deal with it. I just wish a good friend would give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder and that they would listen. I do not cry often but right now I feel I might. I try so hard to be strong and not show my emotion but eventually I can't hold onto it anymore and it comes out. I certainly do no feel myself at this moment. I would write more but considering the whole world might read this I want to be careful. I am sure that it is universal and that many people are experiencing the same feelings I am. Struggles and heartache are not new nor a recent invention. There are many of us that feel alone and forgotten or that fear. Many at time in our nation fear, jobs are being lost and the country is not that stable. It is so easy to blame someone for all of it, to put it on the government, president Bush, the war, other countries, the banks and such. I think in the end we really could go on forever blaming someone for it all. Yet if we stay blaming everyone nothing happens and we cannot sit around waiting for someone to save us. Hard times and economic depression are not new. Maybe it is that we have forgotten our grandfathers and grandmothers who lived through that time. Many of that generation have now passed on and so quickly their stories are forgotten. I think that when such times come to us that the way to make it through is to work together and let the differences disperse. September 11th united us as a nation and I think that if the same thing could happen now it would be so much easier. It so simple and we have so much if we could just learn to cast off our selfishness and reach out those around us I think it would be so much easier. If we could simply seek to prepare ourselves by self reliance and such I believe we would not find ourselves as one of those on the street starving. I think we have forgotten God and our fellowmen. We do not love enough and give enough how then can we expect to be blessed. When we are turning from that very God that created us will he not leave us alone. I really wish that the upcoming events could bring more unity and love to our nation and that fear would not rule the hearts of the people but I only have a small hope it is possible. Yet that hope is there and I feel it is possible that a unity greater than has even been known could come but that would require people to humble themselves and give up selfish desires. How wonderful it would be if the whole world could come together in time of crisis, how beautiful it would be. There are but two ways it will likely go and one is greater unity while the other is increased war and selfishness. That is my opinion on the matter. War and suffering, slavery and hate come out of selfishness and greed I think. If we truly understood how important each person was despite culture, religion or ethnicity I do not think we should be so quick to destroy each other. Just because I do not agree with another persons religion or lifestyle does not mean that I do not love them. I have what I believe and that is precious to me. I will not give it up but I will continue to love. If someone was to fall down into a busy street I would risk my own life to help them. I think war is terrible because it causes us to kill. We kill the enemy but who really is the enemy? My wish is that love can come into the hearts of man and that we can become more united as members of the human race. Charles Dickens-A Christmas Carol exemplifies what we so often do not but what we should do ".....when men and women seem by one consent to open up their shut -up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys." How this statement might apply to all of us at different points. We are all of the human race and yet we act as though we are not. The pursuit of riches, fame and power so often overtake what is important.
I am going to school right now and the main reason I am is not for personal gain, although sadly I must admit money is a a necessity and I must consider, I am going because I hope to make a difference and help the world be a better place. The sad thing is sometimes I am so overwhelmed by looming assignments, tests and such I lose sight of that goal. I sometimes wonder if when I graduate that goal will be completely lost or if I will still remember it.

I realized today that I am not the only one who finds certain classes really hard and certain professors difficult. Apparently some teachers like to make classes torture to attend. I do not really understand this? Why make a class so difficult that very few people enjoy it? I think school should encourage learning beyond what is taught. If I am constantly worried about random quizzes, reading and doing busy work how will I have time to internalize what I am learning.

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I like listening to music that has a unique beauty that goes beyond what is expected of it. A true masterpiece in music to me is one that has reached perfection and become something more powerful than its notes. I think music reaches that only after much work or by the hand of someone who is really gifted. I think writing can be the same way, when an individual masters the written word it becomes something amazing and powerful. I think that is really what life is about perfecting those skills we have and if we are lucky reaching a point in which it transcends all limitations.
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I have learned a lot this week, just in three days. I am glad for the growing experiences. I only hope I can apply what I have learned. Take a deep breath , move forward and somehow get through school. It is almost over for the semester but I have so much to do. Well I guess I should get to it. So I close for today.

The modern day tragedy

In the past years I have witnessed tragic death among friends not a physical death but the untimely expiring of happiness to hated vocations. I have fallen victim to the same tragedy as I look back over my 3 plus years of college I realize that my passion has died and I am faced with a major I care nothing about. How does this happen? Why do we let ourselves walk so blindly forward with some optimistic idea. Oh if I do this I will make money and then I will be happy. Or I should choose this career because it is the safest. I may not like it be I can always have fun hobbies. How we deceive ourselves and walk ignorantly down a path that someone has recommended. I remember talking to the father of a good friend of mine. He goes to a office everyday makes good money with benefits and is able to provide for his family but he is not happy. He said he wanted to be an architect but because of fear of financial stability he forewent it and now works in a office, which he hates. His advice to me was to do what what you love and could see yourself doing everyday. I think we all need to think about that, when someone is passionate about what they do it shows. Those few exceptional teachers I have had in my schooling career shared something in common, they where passionate and I could tell they really loved what they did and understood the subjects. Worse than a teacher with no interest in teaching is one who really knows nothing. I think a really passionate teacher can get you excited about topics that you may not like, at least that is what happened to me. I had a college Algebra teacher who explained mathematics in such a way that I was almost convinced to change my major, students of all types and circumstances could relate to him and learned. I went away from that class not just learning equations but I understood the purpose of mathematics in daily life and beyond that how it explains the varying forms in the universe. Another teacher was so passionate about history and the civil war that when he spoke it brought it to life. I would sit there riveted, listening to him as he explained things. He was convincing in his role and if an actor surely put on a performance that impacted everyone in the room. Although many things came be acted or performed and perhaps people can pretend to like something they do not there is something to be said about sincerity. When someone is sincere and loves what they are doing it shows through and can be contagious. That is why I feel it is so important that we choose something we really enjoy in part for others but mostly for us. We are not all going to be teachers but likely we will all end up doing something whether it is work or a hobby and I think we should enjoy it. Sadly though, I see so many people discontent in their field of work or choice of school major. It is a tragedy to deny what you truly love and let it die, replacing it with some pale comparison. I hope that people will not make the same mistake I have made and find themselves near the end of their college degree unhappy. My first year at BYU I considered changing my major. I was finishing up my first semester and was enrolled in TMA 101( introduction to theater) when I realized just how much I loved theater. I had never considered theater that much and had no experience with it but then I discovered in the class a great passion for it. I felt theater encompassed various forms of creativity including writing, art, and performance. I thought, this an area I could combine the things I enjoy like writing, art etc. I was going to change my major but I let the fear of economic stability and fear of being inadequate prevent me from having the courage to change. I guess what I am saying to you all is .. if you love theater, visual arts, music, astronomy, nursing, mathematics or whatever it may be and feel you can survive the school system go for it. Go for what you love and what you are passionate about. Maybe you won't make tons of money but really what is more important? I do not know about any of you but I would rather do what I love and be happy than do something I do not like and be unhappily rich.

trails

I am making trails that wind among each other so strangely sometimes I do not even get their pattern but I know there must be reason. Reason for the ways in which the paths twist beyond my sight. From where I stand I cannot see their end lost in haze of green and gray shadows. Maybe if I wander a bit on this path in that direction I will see what hides beyond it but no it just keeps going and I must keep on or turn another way. Sometimes I wish I could take a friend with me as I traverse these trails I do not think I can because I made them and maybe it is only I that sees them spread out before me. Maybe each of us are making our own and maybe it is possible they will cross at some moment. I will look up and see the silhouetted figure of another person looking ahead trying to figure out where the path leads or if they should follow or walk another way. Then I will walk forward and they will be startled thinking they were alone and then for that second the left over light shall illuminate their face and I will know them. I will say their name and they will smile. How did you come by this path I will ask and they will answer my walking lead me here. I do not know I just walked and I was just pondering upon the newness of the trail when you came up next to me. How is it that we find ourselves on the same trail? You know it is very rare? Yes I would answer. Shall we then take on this path together? Yes, for now. the my friend will answer with a smile. For now.

of writing down dreams

I think I am going to start writing down every dream I have or more accurately every dream I remember. I will write them down in a little journal and then go back and read them it will be great. Yeah that is what I will do. well I would say more but I do not feel like it so good night.

Sometimes I smile

Sometimes I smile for no reason. Sometimes I smile because I am remembering a pleasant memory. Sometimes I smile because you smile and I simply cannot help it because your smile lights up your face and you look so beautiful right then. Sometimes I smile because I have the gospel in my life and a loving Heavenly Father.Sometimes I smile because I know it helps other people have a great day. Sometimes I smile because my roommate C is so happy and that causes me to be happy. Sometimes I smile because the Lord has a sense of humor and often chooses to show it to me. Sometimes I smile because love is such a real and wonderful thing. Sometimes I smile because I have the best of friends who care about me and help me out. Sometimes I smile because me roommate B has a lovely accent and is such a happy person. Sometimes I smile because the rain tickles my nose when it falls. Sometimes I smile when I build snow creatures in my friends front yards and see strangers driving by give my creations a second glance. Sometimes I smile because I find something amusing in what I just heard someone say. Sometimes I smile as I watch guys and girls react and interact. Sometimes I smile after a great phone conversation with___. Sometimes I smile when I think of my friends baby twin boys and that I will see them soon. Sometimes I smile when I think that I will have almost an entire week off of school starting this Tuesday. Sometimes I smile when I think of discovering my ancestors and the ancestors of my friends. Sometimes I smile when I think of the summer past and all the fun I had. Sometimes I smile when I realize that the semester is almost over. Sometimes I smile when I think of all the people I love and realize they are being watched over.

upward

I am amazed what great conversation can do to change my mind and give me clarity. Sometimes it is just good to talk and by doing so well find healing and clarity. I still do not understand much of the world..sometimes even myself but things are getting better. Now Beatles lyrics are coming into my head. Now not everyone likes the Beatles but to me the represent some part of growing up. My parents listened to them often and because of that so did I. I was pretty much an avid fan from 6 onward, or at least though high school. I still like them but it is different. Although now and then when I am having a particularly hard day my favorite song " Let it be" comes to mind. It has often been my song of choice through many different events of my life. In those bad days or hard ones I would listen to it. Before I had religion it was my prayer, something in its pleading nature reflected my own feelings. Now being older and having a greater knowledge of those songs and what their meaning really was it is not the same. But every now and then I view them once more as the child I was and see them as they were to me. Their melody plays in my mind and I can only smile sometimes caught up in a past memory a child once more.

A heart?

Many years ago someone borrowed my heart and did not return it. Now I have it back and that makes things very hard I mean I did not expect it to come back. I am not saying a heart is a bad thing, in fact I actually like having one. Maybe it was never gone I just forgot how to use it. I mean I guess I was afraid to let myself care about people because when you do care you risk being hurt. Pain discouragement distrust such things sometimes block out the more important part of the heart. That is the part that experiences love, joy, peace happiness, and trust. I want that part to grow in me and I have faith it can. I am not able to do it on my own but with divine intervention I know I can heal. I care I am starting to care so much and I barely know what to do. if only if only it were so easy to find words. I am glad that my heart is growing again, I just hope it does not grow too late to save.

Another???

Sometimes I wonder why I even have a blog? It must be for me because I do not think anyone reads it and if they did would they really learn something? I would hope learning occurred but there is no guarantee of that besides people have power in deciding what they want to learn. If I choose not to learn I probably will be granted my wish. *sigh* I suppose school is that way. I just have a hard time being motivated if I do not find purpose in what I am studying. I think that what happened to me this semester is I finally had to take classes I really did not want to and also I am somehow failing to comprehend what is being taught.
That is all. I do not feel like writing anymore.
good night

Today is like any other I seek motivation to do schoolwork and I find it hard to want to do it. So much enters my mind, so many unbidden thoughts. I think the best I can do is just try to do the work I need to for school and let it become interesting and worth it. I read the book Night today and I found it hard to read. I think the main reason it was so hard is that I realize my grandmother may have faced very similar things. She never knew what happened to her family. My grandmother is Jewish and was in Dachau work camp. It was not a death camp but still would not have been good conditions. I know so little of her experiences.. sometimes I wish I had taken down her story. I do not want the world to forget. I think people need to remember what happened there. I may only be half Jewish but still it is a part of me and those people are my ancestors.

Finding

I feel asleep this afternoon into a strange dream state. I slept longer than I wanted to and now I am trying to push myself into energy.I still need to figure some things out and heal but it is so hard to heal at times. Part of me doesn't want to but I can't go on not facing it. We all have to face the dark that oblivion that terrifies us. One day we must face it and see it for what it is. Just need motivation that is the problem I have I guess I have to find it. Maybe the key is so simply and it is a matter of looking upward towards a Heavenly place and a Father that knows me better than I know myself. Something inside of me tells me "seek it" look up and you will know. I will have courage I will.